考试

我想只有失败过的人才会明白这种心情,我想我应该可以慢慢走出来的. 曾经问过朋友一个超欠扁的问题:心痛的感觉是怎么样的? 这就是心痛的感觉了吗? 我想我可能懂了.

你知道人通常遇见自己无法控制的事情,就会开始怨天尤人,觉得上天不公平. 我想我是处于这种状态中. 我突然领悟到,自己的生活才是最重要的. 上天是不会理会你办事有没有责任感,就算你在公司里的懒散是众所周知,就算你只是在公司里混水摸鱼,也无所谓. 因为我突然发现那些很轻易就怀上孩子的同事们,几乎都可归类于这一型. 虽然她们在公司不受欢迎,大部份人都害怕与她们一起工作,但至少她们在她们的家庭生活里是成功的. 当然我也不是个事业心重的人,工作对我来说就像考试,虽然不可能名列前茅,但却也不允许自己成绩太差. 简而言之,在决定选择生育这条路后,很有可能我就会是两头不到岸的那类型.

我很希望DH是个和我思想百分之百相符的人,我从小就是个不育主义者,很可惜他不是. 因为这样,生育这件事从去年开始就一直困扰着我,毕竟年级也大了. 我以为可以速战速决,原来上天没有忘记我欠缺的诚意,记得把不育这种病症完好无损的留给我. 我人生中因此多了一个科目,生平最没有信心和把握的考试.

End of the Cycle

十一月十五日 星期六 阴

虽然已经猜到结果会是甚么,我也以为我已经准备好了. 但真正接到验血报告时,心情不免还是会难过. 没有原因, 就是这样. Embryos' quality is good, range from grade 4-5 and lining thickness was 12mm. 下一步应该会尝试FET,最早也要在农历新年过后了. 我知道这是我的报应,因为我不够爱小孩,所以上天是不会让我轻易得到他的.

11dp3dt

My OHSS symptom suddenly disappeared yesterday. My appetite is back. I am happy that I am almost back to my normal life. But then, does it also mean that I have lost all my littles one? That's what I heard, it gets worse with pregnancy, and disappears if you're not pregnant.

8dp3dt

因为有些担心,所以我昨天回去clinic一趟. 还好我的OHSS只是mild而已,需要持续吃高蛋白质的食物. 同时也会暂停Pregnyl injection因为这会加重我的OHSS. 我想这回应该是凶多吉少了吧. DH也觉得就当是给钱拿个经验好了.

6dp3dt

就最近这两天我的肚子又出事了. 我从来没像今天这么担心打针过,这些针会增加我的Hormon level吧! 也就意味着我的肚子还会更加涨吗? 它已经好像接近爆炸的边沿了. 昨天半夜两点多很不舒服的醒过来,好后悔晚餐吃的那包炒伊面. 我对自己说我不会再乱吃了. 后来打电话去clinic,因为我有点不想持续打那些针了,结果护士只是很冷淡的表示,这是正常的. 那我还能怎么样? 早餐乖乖喝Ensure+2 egg whites,午餐也不敢乱来,只吃了个香肠面包,我也冲了姜水喝. 希望今晚可以安眠.

5dp3dt

我今天很不规矩,没冲Ensure喝,还吃了很多超咸的酸梅. 早餐狼吞虎咽的吃了一包干捞快熟面加蛋,午餐还很得意的在网上搜寻有那些Delivery. 结果因为只有我一个人吃,只能order Mcdonal,其它都太大份了. 没想到不下20分钟就送来了, 急促的從床上跳起来跑出去开门. 每天11AM-1PM是我insertion后躺着休息的时候,通常也会不知觉的小睡一会. 我竟然完全忘了我的小不点,冲上冲下的,到底小不点们还在不在呢? 然后我又像饿鬼般把grilled chicken folderover + fries + milo ice扫个清光. 没两下子我的报应来了,我的肚子又开始紧绷了起来,硬梆梆的,像打满了风的轮胎. 我多希望自己可以像卡通般用针在肚皮上刺个小洞,让风漏出来. 好辛苦,明明很饿,可是却只能吃一点,又控制不了自己的食欲. 唉..

4dp3dt

I have no appetite at all since I got up this morning. I don't know what happen to my stomach, I always feel full all the time. Eating strawberry is also too feeling for me, even 1 cup of water. I decided to cook multigrain porridge + mushroom for myself. The other dishes I had were not healthy except the fried egg with olive oil. But I like it so much and this was the 1st meal that I enjoyed so much after my ET.

They dun look delicious. But they are my favourite.

3dp3dt

I woke up very early this morning. But had breakfast only at 9 something. Felt like eating instant noodle so much. I have decided to stop eating instant noodle ever since I decided to start IVF which is nearly 2 months already. Dr advised not to take too much of processed food. But this morning I just couldn't help. So I cooked 1 packet of instant noodle+egg.

10:00 AM Went to the opposite clinic for my Proluton Depot injection. It cost me SGD15. Then tapao my lunch, corn + carrot + pork rip soup and rice.

11:00AM As usual, I was asleep after my Cyclogest insertion during the 2 hour bed rest. Yesterday I have gotten my sms ready to enter the Smitten magazine contest. The 1st 100 sms that reached them at 1pm would win a SGD1900 Toshiba laptop. Too bad, it was already 1:30pm when I woke up. Aiyo..

Tonight my dinner would be koey teow + bee hoon goreng. It is going to be spicy again.

2dp3dt

开始放假一个人呆在家里. 早上醒来喝了一大杯水加点蜜糖,马上有要上厕所的感觉. 我已经有几天没办法上了,好开心,肚子也好像有些扁了,毒素都排得七七八八了吧.

今天我除了要自己去买午餐外,还要问问附近的药房,可否帮我打针. 有些闷,因为DH不让我用电脑,要知道我可是Internet addicted,这让我2WW的日子有些难挨. 觉得自己像个病人,一些小动作都好像会对腹部造成压力,不知如何是好.

早餐: Ensure + 2 egg whites
午餐: 楼下的杂饭,为了要吃得健康些才要了青菜,没想到会那么难吃.
晚餐: Bee Hoon Goreng很好吃,只是很辣,超爱吃辣,可是有必要减少吃辣吗?
零食: Brazil nuts, pumpkin seeds, Honey and Soya bean drink

ET

十一月一日 星期六 晴

9:45AM 我还是比预约早到一个小时. 医生因为有些紧急手术所以迟来.

11:15AM 终于见到医生了. I have 27 eggs retrived, 16 of them are fertilized, 3 poor quality embryos are discarded, 10 embryos are frozen. Dr recommended me to have 3 embryos transfer and these 3 are the best among all of them. However, I couldn't start the ET immediately. Dr asked me to take 1 1/2 glass of water and wait.

1:45PM I was already in the operating theater and the nurse has done the second US. I still need to hold my pee and wait.

2:45PM Another US, I could see from the screen that, it was clear now. The nurse informed the Dr and started the cleaning process and tied both my legs. I guess this is how people give birth bah.

3:00PM Finally, the Dr arrived. Dr asked me to relax otherwise it would be difficult for the embryos to stick to my lining. The whole process was quite fast. I could see my embryos on the screen. However, at that moment my concern was when I could pee. I don't think I could hold for another 1 hour inside there. Luckily the Dr got the nurse to help me. That was the 1st time I pee without going to the toilet. The nurse inserted a tube in me and walah my pee was gone in an instant. I have not forgetten to ask about my lining's thickness, according to the Dr it was about 12mm during the last scan.

4:30PM Leaving the Clinic. Everyone wishes me Good luck. They are getting ready to leave too. The clinic is supposed to close at 3pm.

Total cost for today is RM1300(ET) + RM2500(ICSI) + RM1035(Medicine)

Continue the insertions AM and PM daily

DH will help me to inject Pregnyl(2000iu=0.4ml) on 4th,7th & 10th Nov


I will look for a clinic nearby to help me on this injection